What sort of men build thrones on the wreckage they themselves have created?
It appears our little planet has survived it's brush with DD45. The asteroid has survived too, and gone winging it's way like a bat out of hell, and back into the farthest reaches of uncharted space. I can't say that I blame it, since Planet Earth doesn't really have to much to offer visitors. The generally inhospitable culture is the one thing that makes me doubt the validity of UFO sightings. Earth isn't the sort of place that you would bundle Kang and the pods into the flying saucer for a 50 million light year trip just to visit.
Approaching Earth - roll up the windows!
For starters what's the first thing you see as you approach Earth from the stars?? It's that halo of space trash that's been accumulating above the planet since the 1950's. Obsolete satellites, random debris, and garbage jettisoned from space shuttle trips ring the planet like smog around LA, or like car parts and beer cans in a hillbilly's front yard. That's bound to make a poor impression on passer bys. If that weren't bad enough, then a dip into Earth's air bubble won't do anything to improve the impression. A sheath of noxious substances shrouds the lower atmosphere like stink in an dirty house. What must our neighbours think?
The view from space resembles the view from the surface - pretty much what you'd expect from people hiding under a cloud of trash
Anyone brave enough to risk land fall would get a chance to find out first hand about the source of the garbage - Earth's residents. The planet surface further confirm initial impressions. You'll notice that land, sea, and any available free space are being filled to bursting with rapidly accumulating garbage - often in carefully positioned and neatly arranged landfills. When Earthlings aren't making trash, then they're talking about it. Their communications broadcasts are filled with loud complaining about noise pollution. Congregated Hummers and SUV's will be left idling, and pumping out their noxious contributions, while their high minded owners attend some Green Party meeting. Even the scenes of Save The Planet demonstrations will be littered with discarded placards scrawled with slogans and other pollution of the mind. Visitors reaching the conclusion that garbage occupies much of the consciousness of Earth's inhabitants can't be wrong.
Conspicuous Consumption - Hillybilly Deluxe?
As for the inhabitants, they blend in with the decor. Vast regions of the Earth surface constitute man made waste lands, with the Arctic and Antarctic quickly getting burrowed into. Some regions will seems a little more scenic, and slightly better kept up. However this appears to be more of an exception than a rule, and more an attempt to keep up appearances than the result of any self awareness. In in the most backward town or village a few nice houses can usually be found - kept up more to as a basis for looking down on the neighbours than anything else. Or there will be that one room in even the most run down home that is half way presentable. It's often the rec room, and since it's the one used for entertaining company, the floor is relatively free of stains and sticky spots. Often some hapless house keeper will be bullied into keeping it up Accepting dirty jobs that no one else will do becomes a means of justifying their presence. Besides the rec room really does warrant extra attention. It is often the site of the home's most valuable possession - the deluxe home entertainment unit!
Welcome to the pigpen - we got fun'n'games!
Now the home entertainment unit really needs further mention. It usually consists of a big screen TV, DVD player, stereo - handy for more of that noise pollution & to bother the neighbours, and a video game console. The video game console is usually the jewel in the crown, since it allows Earth's humanoid types to engage in violent fantasy role playing - sometimes involving trips to the stars where they have an opportunity to spread the havoc! If there's one thing that the humanoids like almost as much as spreading around garbage, it's killing each other! This they've done throughout their history with genuine enthusiasm, until the games started to get out of hand. Violence was then restricted to TV simulations and video games - mind pollution. Still a quick check of Planet Earth's news broadcasts will reveal that they haven't been able to resist the temptation of a little blood letting now and then. In fact over the past 8 years abstinence has proved something of a failure!
It takes garbage to make garbage - GIGO
So if you were an ET looking for some exotic spot to holiday, on your vacation of from the dilithium crystal mines of Rigel 7, Earth might not be the very first place to pop to mind. In fact given the abundance of War of the Worlds themed movies, you might expect to be greeted by life forms waving primitive weapons at you while they spat tobacco and swore at you in their incomprehensible gibber. Far from being the vacation spot of choice, you might actual conclude that the odd little blue planet would be a poor place for your flying saucer to run out of gas. While I can't imagine a steady stream of space visitors dropping by to buzz the Chicago airport, or the back roads of Texas, I can imagine that Earth is under some kind of galactic quarantine, perhaps with 'proceed at your own risk" and "Don't not feed the animals" warnings posted near bye. The big deal about Earth is not getting here, but getting away! While I'm just a little wistful about what might have been, as DD45 hurtles itself back into the security of a cold impersonal cosmos, let's me instead be thankfully that we have survived our brush with it, and perhaps a little grateful that it has survived it's brush with us!
What a piece of work is man, that I have trashed him? Remember that inside the breast of every amateur satirist beats a heart that would be a fireball! At least you can count on us to tell you when your arse is showin'.
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